The Art of Unlearning to Find Your Authentic Self

“Sometimes the real transformation is in letting go, not in doing more.”
— Me (Ashley...incase you didn't know who Me was)

To Unlearn is:
1: to put out of one's knowledge or memory
2 : to undo the effect of : discard the habit of

Everything that led me to the woman I am today, the woman I am still becoming, has been all about unlearning the bullshit beliefs that were handed to me. I didn’t create some new version of myself—she was always there, waiting.


Things I had to unlearn (some are still a work in progress):

  • Rules of diet culture.

  • Constant stories of “not enough” that were drilled into me.

  • The definition of success that was passed on through family, society, school, even social media.

  • Seeking external approval to feel worthy.

  • That taking time for me is "selfish."

  • Pleasing everyone else at the expense of my own happiness.

  • Saying YES to be agreeable. (Each time you say yes when you mean no, you lose a little bit of yourself.)

  • Holding in the feels because we weren't taught any other way.

There were so many stories about myself that were keeping me from becoming the woman I was meant to be.

It wasn’t about adding more or changing who I was. It has been about unlearning all the crap layered on top of who I’ve always been.

If you’re ready to unlearn the BS that’s been holding you back and step into the woman you’re meant to be, I’m got you.


You’ve got two ways to get started, you can pick one or both:

 A evening with me checking out the work in person on 9.19 at Coaching + Cocktails, more info here
You + me doing a deeper dive into the work 1:1 for 4 or 6 months, check it out here

Shitty Self Talk (SST) is keeping you stuck!

Your shitty self talk & past repeated stories will win every single time IF you let them.

If you want different results, you gotta learn to tone down your inner mean girl & shift your story so you can show up for yourself differently.

Those are just a FEW of the results that are possible when you change how you talk to yourself & lean into self love.

Your actions will always end up aligning with your thoughts / beliefs about yourself. If you keep trying to take action without working on the underlying thoughts you have about yourself & your worthiness, your results will be temporary.

The Cycle

I spent many years, like MANY women, in a place of "I don't like my body (or myself), I need to change."

It was a cycle I struggled with for most of my high school, college life & adult life.

Maybe you're familiar with it:

  • Talk negatively about yourself & your body.

  • Attach your worth to your size.

  • Beat yourself up for how you eat, drink too much & don't workout.
    also, call myself names like lazy, gross, etc.

And from that headspace, l'd try the newest fad.

(Special K Diet, Low Carb, Fat Free Snacks, 100 Cal Packs, Atkins, Points System, Container System, Slimfast, South Beach Diet, Grapefruit & Egg Diet, Gum or Soda to keep myself from eating, Cleanses.../ could keep going.)

And it would lead to one of the following:

  • Change occured but it was not sustainable.

  • Quit when change didn't happen fast enough.

  • I would "slip up," beat myself up for not being able to stick to it & this typically would lead to binging.
    (Pro Tip: binging comes from restriction)

Eventually, I would revert back to familiar habits, try another fad & repeat this cycle.

Sound familiar?

The changes to my body post kids brought on a new desire to find real lasting change.

And I found it in the LEAST expected way. The more I practiced it, the more I realized it was the missing piece. And it wasn't a specific diet or a certain workout.

It was the story I told myself that needed to change.

My lack of belief in me & my self-worth kept me stuck. And my ability to see that lasting change comes from a place of love, not lack gave me freedom. I started practicing being kinder & more compassionate with myself. And rewriting my story.

Changes to my body came without pressure.

I stopped eating my feelings, eating until I was miserable & full.

And binging from restriction. I stopped telling myself what l had to do and did what someone

who gave a damn about themselves would do.

The new habits I formed were in alignment with my life.

I was no longer in a hurry.

I became more accepting of the person I was in the moment.

I no longer had to hurry & change to feel better. I gave myself the gift of acceptance & self love which led to feeling better in the moment. I realized I was a worthy human no matter the shape or size of my body AND I could still create change, IF I wanted.

Accepting where you are AND wanting change can coexist. If you don't do the work on the inside, you will always repeat the same cycles. In any area of your life, not just around your body.

Shift Your Story: Exercise

ME THEN:

✨Dreaded working out!

✨Created ALL the excuses (aka STORIES) to not workout like, “no motivation” or needing “more hours in the day.”

Both of these led me to start & quit.

Then I’d beat the $hit out of myself for never being able to stick to anything!

I was creating a cycle.

workout 👉🏼 repeat $hitty stories 👉🏼 quit 👉🏼 stay stuck when I wanted change 👉🏼 try again 👉🏼 repeat stories & cycle

ME NOW: 


✨I make movement fun, lip syncing & dance parties included.

✨I have a why that fuels me that’s NOT attached to the number on the scale.

✨I learned that motivation is fleeting. I can’t rely on it to create the results I want.

Just because I’m not motivated to do something doesn’t mean that is a sign to skip it.

In fact, the more I showed up for myself (even in tiny increments), the more it became natural for me to want to get up & do it!

I don’t even really think about it now - it’s just part of who I am.

The new story I wrote + making movement fun & meaningful to me created a new habit that serves me.


✨And the time...it was always there, I just had to drop my story to find it.

Yep. The hours in a day weren’t the problem, it was me & my story around time, which impacted how I used my time. I did anything & everything but make space in my schedule for movement.

Can you relate?!

These are just a few that did not serve me when it came to my relationship with my body & movement. I had to rewrite them in order to step into the version of myself I am today. 



And guess what?!!? On May 1️⃣6️⃣, I’m hosting an in person ladies night, Coaching + Cocktails, we’re gonna talk about becoming aware of our stories so we can keep the ones that serve us & work on ditching the ones that don’t! 


Spots are limited. Head here for more info!

Shitty Self Talk & Self Limiting Beliefs

I feel like this topic is the backbone of what I coach my clients on - both shitty self talk AND self limiting beliefs come up on the regular so it’s time to talk about the two, how they are different and how they work together!

Shitty Selk Talk (SST):

✨Negative sentences flying through our brains that don’t serve us.

✨Our brains have a negativity bias so we tend to give these thoughts more attention than they deserve.

✨They leave us feeling like a$$ about ourselves (clearly my own definition here).

✨Shitty self talk can be subtle or loud.

✨It’s 100% your inner mean girl just being a bitch.


“I’m so stupid, I can’t believe I said that.”

Result: You are all up in your head obsessing over how dumb you are for what you said. Your brain proceeds to find all the evidence that you’re stupid to prove it even more true.

You spend a whole lot of time beating yourself up.

All of this blocks you from being compassionate with yourself & being able to see all the ways you’re actually pretty damn smart.


Or maybe someone gives you a compliment and your immediate reply is “Thanks BUT _____….” insert negative comment about yourself here.

It’s like you have negative tunnel vision about yourself, your body or even a situation.

Start to check your thoughts. If you’re talking to yourself like an asshole most of the time, that’s your inner critic coming in 🔥 with SST. 

Some shitty self talk comes in waves but thinking certain thoughts over & over again lead them to become beliefs. Enter….

Self Limiting Beliefs (SLBs):

✨Stories that you’re holding onto for dear life.

✨You don’t question them & you believe them to be true.

✨You may not even realize you have that story until someone outside of you (ahem, a coach) helps you see it.

✨They limit your potential AND keeps you stuck AF.


“I’m just not the kind of person who belongs in that room.”

Result: This holds you back from showing up fully IF you even show up at all.

It can feel VERY factual to you and it’s likely a fear of failure playing out as a limiting belief in your mind.

SLBs like to keep you safe in your bubble.

They are like programming in your brain from ALL the people & things in your life. Past experiences. Comments from people in your life. The values & beliefs you were taught growing up. Messaging from all around us (social media is a big one). It’s easy for your brain to hang onto SLBs. Our brains prefer to be efficient & believing something new requires stepping outside of our comfort zone, which takes effort & can be risky. AKA, not safe in our bubble.

A lot of them start with “It’s just who I am…” or “I’ve always been this way.”

These could have came from childhood, also highly like they aren’t true.

Pay attention to your thoughts. You can even write them down. And really start to question them, where does this thought come from? When did I decide this?

✨Your inner critic aligns with your self limiting beliefs.

✨They work “well” together - just the brains way of keeping your safe experiencing failure, rejection, embarrassment, etc.

✨They both can create a shit ton of doubt & feelings of “not enough” in your life.

✨Our kiddos can even hear or catch onto them & internalize them (potentially leading to their own SST & SLBs down the road).


Phew! I hope this helped you see how the two are different but also how they can gang up on you.