It has been month.
1 month since we got on a plane & said peace out STL, hello California.
And it has been THE LONGEST MONTH EVER.
Not a day goes by that I don’t think about going home.
I literally have dreams about our house in STL.
Or about the new family in “my home.”
For real, I had a dream that they were doing a Lego themed bathroom designed by my previous employer & that they put an enclosed patio on the side of the house.
I have waves of thoughts that my brain LOVES to offer me….
“When is this over, I am done with vacation now.”
“WTF was I thinking?!”
“I am sick of being with my family.”
“People say this is good for your marriage…HOW?!”
“I wonder what would happen if I just got in my car & drove home.”
And then I have these weird moments that feel REAL AF & I picture us pulling into our home in St. Louis like nothing changed. Literally, as I was packing us up from the hotel at Disneyland, I had a moment where I forgot that the home I am going to is not the one I was envisioning.
THIS is my home right now.
But I am still grieving all that I left behind & had thought “would be.”
And that is ok.
These thoughts come & go. And I am aware that it is my brain wanting to go back to what is safe & normal. It is my brain finding every reason to want to protect me from this “danger” of this change.
A BIG move comes with BIG feelings.
And we are in the thick of it.
And I don’t know how long it will last but I know that living in one place for the majority of my life was a LONG damn time - just like we don’t gain weight overnight or lose it overnight - this will also take time.
In in my personal coaching sessions, I am working on not telling myself that I SHOULD be back to my work routine or I SHOULD to be showing up differently or my days SHOULD look like they were BEFORE.
Our life is not like it was before. It is different.
I am learning to give myself grace & compassion for where I am in this moment.
I am slowly allowing myself to be ok with not being in my normal energy at THIS exact stage in life.
Instead of arguing with myself telling myself I SHOULD be somewhere else right now - I am trying to find compassion for the woman who launched a new business in April, then moved across the country in June & put her business on hold while she is figuring out her new norm.
It is hard. I am not perfect. Some days I am harder on myself than others but I am starting to notice it more & find the grace & compassion before SHOULDING all over myself.
I am accepting that it is ok to fall apart sometimes. Tacos fall apart & we still love them. Right?!